That Crazy/Stupid Thing Called Love…
What is it about someone that makes another person let them into their life, even when their logical brain is telling them to watch out? Why do some (rare) people seem to possess that magical quality that makes you fall head over heels, flat on your face, and stupidly ignore all internal warning bells until further notice? How can you turn it off? How can people that SEEM right for you not be the ones that grab your heart, while the one that CLEARLY isn’t is the one that you stop everything for?
I like to think I’m a pretty street-smart chick. In fact, I am far more private and introverted than most people – Only a very select few get to see the daily “mask” slip and I’ve always preferred it that way. I can read people within the first few minutes of being around them and my guards with strangers/new people are typically sky high. I can smell the bullshit on people from miles away and, as a result, keep a very small group around me that know me through and through (and vice versa) as opposed to giving myself away to everyone. Yet somehow, once in a great while, someone slips through. Someone gets in and digs beneath your skin, pushing their way into your heart, and when you realize it? It’s already too late.
It doesn’t matter that, on paper, this person is wrong for you. They’re different from you. There’s ten thousand red flags waving in front of your eyes. There’s a million and two reasons why it can’t/shouldn’t/won’t work. You want to make exceptions. Your guards come crashing down, even as your brain is yelling “No!”. All of a sudden, you’re compromising left and right, bending yourself three times in half, to make it work – When the others that were probably more suitable could barely get mild interest over dinner.
Why can’t we choose who we fall for? I’d like to think that the people who become significant in your life, for bad or for good, are all put there for a reason – Some sort of lesson to eventually pull experience and knowledge from. But, and maybe it’s because I’m in the throes of it now, I cannot put my finger on why the universe threw this woman at me (and what lesson I’m supposed to be learning from it all). She came from out of nowhere (literally – I took the road trip and there was NOTHING AROUND FOR MILES!) and when I was least expecting it – As most loves do. It’s been up, down and everywhere in between – And it’s not even official. It’s so lesbian, it’s not even funny. What is it about her that filled my heart? There’s a million reasons why not and a thousand reasons why she’s wrong and multiple qualities she possesses that bug the shit out of me – Why is it HER that somehow got through the iron walls?
Didn’t someone famous say once that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results? If so, then we all belong in the looney bin – We all choose to keep believing in love and opening our hearts to people despite the red flags and letting ourselves fall (by no choice of our own) and hoping, crossing our fingers for and expecting different results from the LAST time. And the time before that. And the time before that.
I guess that would make me certifiable – But as much as it burns on the inside, I would still choose certifiable over robot any day. I try to console myself by reminding myself that, at the very least, I know I’m still human. I am still capable of feeling and of loving, wholly and completely, despite what the ghosts of past girlfriends have left behind. I can still feel and my heart is not dead. I am not one of those robot people that lets jade and hurt scar them so deeply that they can no longer feel anything for anybody. I am not one of those scary individuals that has been so hurt that they vow never to love anyone as much as themselves again, and then spend the rest of their life wrapped in self-absorption so thick that it repels anyone that tries to get close.
So, I suppose that may be my silver lining – And, hell, even the lesson I was seeking earlier in this blog. I’d still take the stinging pain over not being able to feel the flip side of that – the mesmerizing, colorful, fantastic, glittery, beautiful, breathless slide into love – ever again. I don’t know what will happen with that crazy/stupid thing called love, but I know if it doesn’t work out with THIS unexpected “wrong” woman then I know it will with another – Who will eventually become the “right” woman that my heart expected all along. Only time can unravel it to tell and, until then, I’ll keep sliding down that mesmerizing, glitter-covered love slope again and again when I least expect it, without condition or regret. Really, is there any other way?